You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
