when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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