i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
