I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
