i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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