my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
