ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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