It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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