i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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