I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
