I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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