I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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