so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
it's like iHOP with fire
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Floor bacon is actually really good
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
