Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
