I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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