mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
