Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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