Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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