yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize