my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
