Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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