no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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