ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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