I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
