I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This house was built for laser tag.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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