Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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