You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
