So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
