I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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