Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize