Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
