my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am one with the molecules
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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