i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
