My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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