If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
