Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
