i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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