Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Who died my cat blue again?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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