My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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