I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
