I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
