Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dicks are not precious.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
