Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
