My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
