just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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