Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Oh god it's open bar.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
