I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
