turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize