I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
