she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
