is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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