Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
