Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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