Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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