How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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