words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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